week twenty: bottle cap crafts

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Even though I am a foul-mouthed, somewhat mean-spirited (I love when kids fall down! HAHAHA!) beeyatch who’s trying to become a minimalist, I still like to craft. Yes, cross stitching and paper punches aren’t just reserved for prim old ladies who miss the good old days when Murder, She Wrote was on every Sunday night. By the way – that show is the SHIT. And the opening sequence when Angela Lansbury is like riding her bike through her New England town or wherever the hell she was from and then like gardening… TIGHT. I’ve watched reruns on Netflix. Truth.

Anywho, yes, I like crafting. Making stuff with your hands is awesome and people who turn up their noses at embroidery or sewing or glue gun action are basically joyless turds. Who doesn’t want to get down with a glue gun? That’s a bomb diggity girl’s night in right there, no lie.

The problem with liking to craft is that you can – very easily – become a crazy hoarder person and hold onto trash in the hopes that one day you’ll magically glue gun it into something phenomenal that will take your family’s breath away when they open it on Christmas morning. Bottle caps were the key to my Rockwellian crafting dream.

Pre-Pinterest, I saw a tutorial online about turning your used bottle caps (trash) into magnets for holidays gifts (upcycled trash someone else will throw away after Christmas). The idea was that you’d cut out tiny beautiful pictures, glue them into the bottle cap, fill the bottle cap with some sort of toxic chemical or resin or something like that, then hot glue a magnet to the back. Voila! Magnet perfection.

I was so convinced this would be the BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT OF ALL TIME that I demanded husband start saving all of his bottle caps. To keep things neat, I stacked them on a nice shelf I have in the kitchen. Yeah, a trash collection on my pretty floating wall shelves where I prep our food. House Beautiful, please feel free to give me a call.

This was… hmmm… maybe like three years ago? Three Christmases and no bottle cap magnets. No bottle cap jewelry, dollhouse art or bedside lamps. Let’s face it, people – I’m never making anything with those bottle caps.

I have decided I can accept this. See, I’m not just a serial craft supply saver. I actually do finish some stuff. I really like cross stitching and have vowed to finish baby’s birth announcement sampler by the end of this month. I usually make at least two or three cross stitched gifts for Christmas. I make all of our Christmas cards. And last year, I even made some homemade stamped wrapping paper for holiday gifts.

So I have to learn to appreciate the crafting time I do have and focus on the things I actually enjoy and complete. Not just try everything that looks sexy and fun. I have to be crafting monogamous. Or, at the very least, not be a slutty crafter, flirting with everything that looks my way. (I am talking to you, jewelry-making aisle at Jo-Ann’s!)

So the bottle caps went into the trash today. I screamed a little inside when I saw them there, laying amongst some strawberry stems and banana peel from baby’s breakfast. And, I shit you not, I immediately regretted it.

“Hey ooohhh… didn’t I see some adorable bottle cap mini candle craft on Pinterest?” My inner craft slut started in on me. “Wouldn’t that be an awesome gift? And OH MY GOD they would look so cute on our deck this autumn. I can make orange ones for Halloween!”

I slammed the trash can closed and ate a cookie.

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week eighteen: add water before turn on it!

Nothing says quality electronic goods like a superfluous home appliance with a poorly translated instruction-ish label stuck to the top. With an exclamation point, no less.

I bought this “sonic wave” jewelry cleaner thingie on eBay from some random Chinese importer. It was after I got my engagement ring, and I apparently convinced myself that – for the ONE piece of non-New York and Company jewelry I owned – I needed some weaksauce Sharper Image knockoff to address the ring’s complex cleaning requirements.

When it arrived I wasn’t too impressed. I think I might have even been slightly shocked when I used it for the first time and it didn’t catch on fire. Every once in a while I’ll drop my ring in there, and it seems cleaner when it comes out. I think?

From now on, I’ll use 30 seconds of elbow grease to clean my ring. I’m sure Pinterest has a DIY ring cleaning reference with an adorably illustrated step-by-step manual using reclaimed toothbrushes and a solution made from Windex and cornmeal or something.

Related but separate – took my FIFTH carload of junk to the thrift store today. I was proudest of the giant light blue terry bathrobe husband finally gave up. It took up about 72% of our closet space. Husband kept it because (he thought) it looked like “something Hugh Hefner would wear.” Which makes me think “how does husband NOT realize the difference between a puffy bath towel robe and some slick red satin smoking jacket?!”

I mean COME ON! Hugh Hefner wouldn’t be caught dead in that.

Really, husband. I’m disappointed.